The Life Changing Magic of Being Your True Self

How do you know if it’s PRETENDING or POLITENESS?

Let's start with a scenario – one that isn’t very far-fetched for most of us. You’re exhausted, overwhelmed and irritated. You haven’t had your me-time, journal-time, coffee-time or even just a few-seconds-peace-time and here comes yet another cannot-miss obligation. Time to be professional! So, you slip on the I’m-so-happy-to-be-here mask and get on with the show.

Let me ask again: is it PRETENDING or POLITENESS?

You’re probably shrugging, thinking, it’s just being polite. Who wants to hear about your own crappy day, the internal narrative, or what I’m truly feeling in that moment? Besides, my mom raised me better than that.

Yes, it’s “just being polite” and sometimes it is absolutely necessary. That old saying about time-and-place still applies when it comes to “letting it all hang out.”

But… there is a fine line between being polite and adopting a fake persona of pretense and the latter?  Yeah, that can become habitual to the point of self-harm. Even worse? Adopting that fake you for too long means you will not only become disconnected from your true (and best) self, but you’ll start to lose what you put that mask on for to begin with: credibility.

If you find yourself:

• Pretending to like people

• Pretending to be unbothered when you’re uncomfortable or even offended

• Pretending to be confident when you’re not

• Pretending to have the answers when you don’t…

… guess what? You’re human.  But just because it’s natural doesn’t mean it’s BEST.

All of us have engaged in this kind of blurred-lines-between-polite-and-pretense behavior. We do it to make a good impression. To be liked. To be accepted. To sell ourselves to others as better, more competent, more confident, more (fill-in-the-blank). And this shows up in the workplace more than anywhere else.

Here’s the problem: when we show up as inauthentic, we lose the magic that is being our true selves. And it takes a toll (on us and on those around us).

It takes courage to be yourself and remain transparent with those around you. I called this out in last week’s newsletter because there are enormous benefits to being an authentic leader (and if you’re not getting the newsletter, you need to sign up!):  

Research shows that feeling you can be yourself at work improves employee engagement, empowerment, trust, relationships, and happiness. The ability to be yourself at work is shown to lead to:

• A Sense of Well-Being and Happiness: Forbes reports that when we can be ourselves at work, we feel more comfortable and productive and have a better sense of well-being.

• Higher Work Engagement and Lower Burnout: Research from the Netherlands showed that employees who feel like they can be themselves at work felt more motivated, had higher self-determination, were more engaged and felt less burnout.

• Feelings of Empowerment and Satisfaction: Another study discovered that the ability to be one's self at work facilitates feelings of control and mastery and leads to greater job satisfaction and happiness.

• Better Relationships with Clients and Coworkers: The study cited by HBR also found that being yourself promotes greater feelings of trust, understanding, and connection with others, which also leads to higher happiness at work.

 So, if there are so many benefits to being your true self… why don’t we do it?

Most of us aren't showing up as our most authentic in the workplace because we don’t feel safe to do so. And in some cases, doing so would come with consequences. This leads to pretense and "people pleasing" creating shadows of our true selves.

I'd be lying if I said I never altered my personality, my voice, my style of dress, my energy, etc to fit in with a particular crowd or avoid being judged by others. Code switching shows up a lot for many black professionals in the workplace. Most of us hate the idea of being judged and will shield who we are from the people we believe will cast the most judgment upon us. No one wants to feel like they're being attacked for their beliefs, feelings, thoughts, culture, accent, or anything else that sets them apart from others. But if we allow the fear of being judged to cause us to hide, we only hold ourselves back from experiencing the magic of standing in our authentic power.

So, what can you do to experience the life-changing magic of being authentic? It’s too simple to say just be yourself! around other people. 

Here’s the thing: it doesn’t start with your interactions with others at all. It starts with being radically honest with yourself.

You might think taking on that people-pleaser role and mirroring other people’s behaviors creates a safe environment, but it's nothing like the safety you'd experience by being courageous enough to be yourself. The real magic begins when you're brave enough to look inside and say, "I'm going to be who I truly am. I'm not hiding anymore."

It’s not easy to overcome the years of social programming that have led us to believe code switching, pretense, people pleasing and faking-it are the best, easiest ways to interact with people in the workplace. Not only that, being authentic means being vulnerable – and who wants to be vulnerable at work?

Let me give you a big reason WHY you should embrace vulnerability: people are naturally attracted to confidence. There’s even a scientific name for it: certainty influence factor. If you're confident in yourself and can stand in your power, you will radiate positivity, and people will want to be around you. There is something naturally attractive about someone who is confident in their abilities and radically authentic. 

If you're not naturally confident, you may struggle with the idea of revealing your true self to anyone, let alone doing so in front of a large group of people while tackling a public speaking assignment. However, if you're willing to change your perspective, you can change your behavior and become the most confident version of yourself.

Think about this – how good do you feel when you put on a sexy outfit that fits perfectly, flatters your figure, and makes you feel fabulous? Of course, you probably experience an instant confidence boost whenever you look your best. But the way you feel at that point is energy – and you can channel this energy all the time, whether you're wearing your favorite sexy outfit or not. You don't need the outfit, you need the confidence that comes with it, and it's clear that you have that confidence deep within you, even if you don't always let it show.

Start thinking about how something as simple as an outfit can create a shift in your energy. You're looking good and feeling good, which means you suddenly start smiling more, laughing, and being positive. You begin to exude confidence, which is attractive to other people, including your co-workers and those in an audience when you're public speaking. Your confidence is like a magnet to these people; they want to see more of you and be around you because they love it.

So, the next time you find yourself struggling to be authentic with yourself, think of those times you felt your best and then try to reenact those mannerisms. Fix your posture, make eye contact, smile, notice the anxiety in your body, BREATHE, and have a kind check-in with your inner critic, and then make a conscious choice to reset and be yourself while being confident. Even if you're experiencing a bit of self-doubt, look in the mirror and reassure yourself that you've got this and that you deserve to be you – not just some time but all the time. 

Authenticity and vulnerability are contagious. Your freedom frees others. Your co-workers will thank you. The courage to do this can make a difference in how you feel every single day, boosting your confidence and elevating your performance in everything you do, whether at home, work, or even on stage.

And here’s one more tip: start doing everything with intention. Look at yourself in the mirror and recite some positive affirmations, not just once, but multiple times a day, every day of the week. The more you tell yourself how badass you are, the more you will believe it, which will help you gain the confidence you need and deserve to have! And remember, to carve out some quiet time so you can embody who you are. 

Don't forget to smile, but remember that you don't need to fake it. Smile when you're delighted. Smile when you feel your best. But, most importantly, keep in mind that it's simply not healthy for us to fake our personality all the time. Take off the mask, let loose, and simply experience the magic of being authentically YOU.