There’s No Such Thing As A “Difficult” Conversation
I posted about my unique coaching approach to my clients last week on social media. I call it “Care-frontation” – a mix of feelings of concern and interest, which attaches importance to their needs, while still giving them the tough love and wake-up calls they need to make progress in achieving their goals.
Some people like to use “tough love” as an excuse to be an a-hole, like it’s a permission slip to speak whatever comes to your mind immediately without filter or care.
But, in my experience, most of us err on the other side: we’re just too nice.
We sacrifice authenticity for ease, honesty for tact, and skirt around issues to make life “simpler” but in reality all this does is create conflict within ourselves. Our conflict-aversion becomes conflict-creation.
This is certainly evident in our workplace behavior – maybe more so than anywhere else (in-laws may be a close second). Avoiding difficult conversations (and people) at work, whether we’re in-person or still WFH-ing, is as common as our morning coffee.
There are certain “difficult” conversations no one wants to have at work. A bad employee review, telling the client that a project has been delayed, controversial feedback, being forced to give bad news to power, or firing someone are all conversations that need to be had, but no one wants to reach into the fire if they don’t have to.
So, here’s my question: what if there is no such thing as a “difficult” conversation?
The only thing difficult about having a "difficult" conversation is not having it.
This isn’t a statement of denial. Hey, NO ONE wants to have the types of conversation I just described. But this is a statement of fact – one you will be able to understand, embrace and allow to empower you when you understand a few things:
Your interpretation of a conversation is just that: your interpretation. This makes it value-neutral, as in there is no right or wrong. They aren’t an ‘objective reality’ – a conversation that one person finds challenging, someone else may find quite natural and straightforward.
The struggle is real… for you. Because these so-called difficult conversations are happening with you experiencing them, even though they are value-neutral, the way you rank them as difficult depends on YOU, not the conversation itself. For example, people-pleasers will find these types of conversations very difficult, indeed (unless they begin to work on fixing their desire to be liked by everyone else all the time, it’s not going to get any easier… but that doesn’t have anything to do with the conversation itself).
Keep in mind WHY you are having this conversation in the first place! Check your motivation. It should be to communicate a set of objective facts (the project is over-budget; it’s taking longer than we thought; I believe you’re not the right fit for this position), not to "fix" or "change" -- nothing has a chance of changing until each person's experience and interpretation is at least shared. When you are able to discuss the issue openly and calmly with all parties involved, you are able to find symbiotic solutions, problem-solve and create growth opportunities.
Women especially must be willing to have these conversations everywhere in our lives - they expand and fast forward our growth, help us move toward what we want, offer us and those around us clarity, boost our confidence, restore and support relationships, and help us be seen as the credible, powerful leaders that we are.
The next time you are faced with one of these so-called “difficult” conversations, bring your awareness to the FACTS and not your FEELINGS - this will help ensure your “intent” matches your resulting “impact” on the situation. (For more on how to view your situations with increased objectivity, see this past blog post).
I dive deeper into how to have difficult conversations inside my “How Women Speak”: A Women in Leadership Training! This training explores more specific strategies we can all use to communicate more authentically and strategically. (yes, even men!) It is more about tapping into feminine energy vs gender) when approaching “difficult” conversations in the workplace – reframing the conversation in a productive, positive way as opposed to a negative, toxic one.
As a society, it’s time to get comfortable with difficult conversations: a little more care-frontations over confrontations will go a long way.
