How to Stay Authentic When Dealing with Difficult People
It’s easy to be professional, kind, patient, and understanding. As long as you’re the only one in the room.
You know the old saying about the only certainties in life being death and taxes? I’d like to add another miserable one to the list: difficult people. I can guarantee if you’ve managed to achieve the age of consciousness, you’ve managed to encounter more than a few people who fall into that category. In fact, you’re probably conjuring their faces in your mind right.now. (Sorry about that).
It’s easy to mouth platitudes (“Give thanks for the difficult people you encounter: they show you exactly who you are or do not want to be” – deep sigh and eye roll) here. But forget about all the high-road quotes; let’s talk real-life strategies and scenarios to help you, yes, take that high road and, more importantly, protect your own energy and peace!
Maintaining a certain level of professionalism in the workplace is easy… until it's not.
Being authentic + having compassion for others + being assertive + maintaining your professionalism + personal boundaries = a tough road to hoe if you’re dealing with Mr. Toxic Energy Sucker, Ms. Office Gossip, Mr. Competition-Over-Collaboration, Ms. Petty Backbiting and Ms. Drama Queen over Everything every single day of your working life.
I’ve talked about energy-depleting encounters before, and there is no doubt that one person's craptastic attitude can set the tone for the rest of the day. And I mean: the rest of your day (if you let it;). So, how do you balance staying-true-to-you with not-taking-any-crap with maintaining-professionalism?
I’m glad you asked. Here are 4 of my Top Tips! But first… begin any and all interactions with colleagues (or anyone working your last nerve) with a simple sentence to yourself, by saying these words internally (or even speaking them outloud): I deserve peace here. I create peace everywhere I AM. And, yes, “workplace” includes that WFH corner with the Zoom portal.
1. Don't Sweat the Small Stuff, aka it’s not always personal. When someone says something unkind, sarcastic, smug or negative, it’s easy to feel offended. But that feeling is something you can control – whereas the other person’s commentary or attitude is most certainly OUT of your control. Try to remember that those comments are not always personal… and they are ALWAYS a direct reflection of that person and not necessarily of you. Remember that old adage, misery loves company? It’s certainly true! If someone is making negative, miserable remarks because they are miserable, you can choose to opt-out of their disempowered breakdown. Take a cue from Jay-Z and go brush your shoulders off, shake it off, walk it out, breathe it out or do whatever you need to do to maintain your own good attitude and protect your positive energy (remember: you deserve peace and how you feel is important). Maintaining positivity in the face of passive-aggressive or rude behavior/comments allows you to control the way the situation affects YOU and YOUR reality. The bonus? When the perpetrator sees your reaction (or lack thereof), they are more likely to put a stop to their negativity. It’s the best mirror for them to look into. I’ve also found that by releasing intentionally releasing any negativity you may pick up from them actually creates space for you to spark more of your own creativity.
2. Be Your Biggest Advocate, aka have your own back. How you balance not-sweating-the-small-stuff with your own need to be assertive and stand up for yourself can be difficult. So, how can you avoid the whole kindness-as-weakness conundrum? After all, having empathy is one thing, but having someone talk to you like you're less of a person because they're dissatisfied with their own life is something different entirely! Be your own advocate by taking a stand when needed. If someone crosses a line, let them know. For this to be effective, it must be as dispassionate as possible. Meaning: if you get worked up, start arguing or raising your voice, you’ve lost the battle already. Defensiveness isn’t an effective part of assertiveness. Consider saying something like: "I understand your frustration and I am not willing to tolerate disrespect. Please do not speak to me in that way." You can make it known that you're not going to tolerate their negative attitude any longer and still maintain your professionalism (as long as you stay calm).
3. Move Forward Without the Bad Apples, aka get rid of the dead weight.
There are three types of people: those who help you in difficult times, those who leave you in difficult times, and those who put you in difficult times. If you have the opportunity to cut ties with those who attempt to drag you down, frustrate you, and put you in difficulty, do it. It is overwhelming to be both productive and assertive when you have manipulative, destructive, or negative people trying to gaslight you and take advantage of your kindness while simultaneously failing to handle their responsibilities. Sometimes the best way to get peace of mind is to avoid working with these people for the sake of your mental health and wellbeing. (I recently walked away from a 6-figure contract and one of the factors was dealing with toxic people – read more about it here).
4. Understand the Power of Projection aka learn to forgive. Dealing with difficult people sucks… your energy right out of you. Protecting your energy requires a determined, deliberate approach that precludes reacting in a way that mimics their behavior. Retaliating in kind only creates a vicious cycle of anger and hostility. If someone is being difficult, try to remember their behavior is a projection of how they feel about themselves….self reflection is a good thing but it’s important you don’t get caught in the toxic transformation cycle of believing that how someone else shows up is somehow always a reflection of you - because it is not. Still, when you choose to forgive them for their actions, you're releasing judgment and preventing the cycle of negative mirroring from beginning. Cultivating a forgiving mindset will help you move forward. Not only does this allow you to be more understanding, but it also enables you to love and forgive yourself.
Remember: the greatest stress you go through when dealing with a difficult person is not fueled by the words or actions of this person – it is fueled by your mind that gives their words and actions importance.
Regardless of what kind of job you have, chances are, you have to interact with a number of people with widely different personalities — and sometimes, those personalities just don’t mesh with yours. For some, this can become so problematic that it means you must start the search for a new job. But if you like everything else about the work you do, use these 4 steps to minimize a toxic co-worker’s negative impact on your workdays. One more thing… employers, supervisors, managers, and leaders: TAKE NOTE! Research shows that toxic co-workers cost companies far more than what the high performers add to the workplace, so it’s beneficial for employers to take a holistic approach to hiring - particularly at the leadership level. This means not only hiring people with the right experience and skills, but also those who are likely to mesh well with the team. It’s important to take into consideration who might be able to create a positive culture that promotes productivity. One negative personality is all it takes to drag everyone else down. Bottom line? Positive people build positive companies. (I’ve written extensively on toxicity in the workplace).
What kind of steps do you take to limit the impact of negative people on your positive energy and professionalism? Let me know in the comments!
