How to Respond to Microaggressions

I was listening to a podcast the other day and a former Facebook employee (who is also an entrepreneur and outspoken DEI advocate) shared how early on in his career he would be labeled as “aggressive” by his non-poc peers. 

He stated it took him going to therapy to recognize that his aggression was actually a form of self protection and a defense mechanism triggered by experiencing unconscious bias and microaggressions in the workplace coupled with uncertainty and a lack of confidence about how to respond.  He didn’t know how to communicate his emotions about the experience in the moment, which left him feeling victimized and angry.

Diversity, Equity and Inclusion Training has been given some noisy lip service, yet the data shows that 76% of companies still have no tangible diversity or inclusion goals, in spite of the fact that DEI programs that are business-driven provide one of the most effective means to improve upward mobility in the economy (according to a Josh Bersin Company in-depth research on DEI practices and their business impact which was published at the end of 2020). 

DEI Training for all employees can be an important first step, but the training itself, often led by POC’s, can create more harm than good. Critics say these trainings do little to drive actual action and impact and, as this tech employee pointed out in this podcast interview, the curriculum is itself biased by design as it mostly speaks only to the person who is carrying out the microaggressions - not the person who is experiencing them.  In fact, the bottom line of the Bersin Report states: One of the most startling findings is that DEI training does little to bring about positive change.

But… this post isn’t about the efficacy or lack thereof of DEI Training.  It is meant to help you learn how to handle the negative emotion experienced when on the receiving end of unconscious bias and to teach you practical frameworks you can use to consciously communicate your experience in the moment.

It’s about creating dialogue, not argument or aggression.

Throughout my own career, often being the only Black person and/or woman in the newsroom, meant that I have experienced my share of microaggressions.  The result?  I was always pissed the eff off and ultimately feeling as though I didn’t quite belong.  As in, always.  It was a cumulative effect: death by a thousand cuts.  Little remarks, made by well-meaning, unconsciously-biased people, piled up over time until my entire personality was angry and defensive while I alternated between victimhood, martyrdom, and just plain MAD.

Here’s the truth: microaggressions are common in the workplace. They are the everyday, subtle, and usually unintentional interactions or behaviors that communicate bias toward historically marginalized groups. The difference between microaggressions and overt discrimination (or “macroaggressions”) is that people who commit microaggressions might not even be aware they are doing something wrong.  Understanding this important distinction is crucial when it comes to re-learning how to respond when we experience microaggressions.

Enough about them.  Let’s talk about us.

As people of color, we have a few traditional options when it comes to response:

1. Ignore it. This has been the go-to. Because they are pervasive yet subtle, microaggressions can be incredibly draining to confront. Yet silence places an emotional burden on us, leaving us wondering what happened and why, questioning our own right to feel offended, and reinforcing beliefs that we are not safe from identity devaluation at work.
   
   

2. Respond immediately. This approach allows the transgression to be called out and its impact explained while the details of the incident are fresh in the minds of everyone involved. Immediacy is an important component of correcting bad behavior. But this approach can be risky. The perpetrator might get defensive, leaving the target feeling like they somehow “lost control,” did not show up as their best self, and will be labeled an overly sensitive whiner, a trouble-maker, or the stereotypical “angry Black person.”
   
   

3. Respond later. A more tempered response is to address the perpetrator privately at a later point to explain why the microaggression was offensive. Here, the risk lies in the time lag. A follow-up conversation requires helping the person who committed the microaggression to first recall it and then to appreciate its impact. The Black employee bringing it up might be deemed petty — like someone who has been harboring resentment or holding on to “little things” while the other party, having “meant no harm,” has moved on. Such accusations are a form of racial gaslighting, which can be very damaging.

My own method is a combination of responding NOW and responding LATER.  I prefer the in-the-moment response, as this means the event/comment is fresh in mind and it hasn’t had time to fester in my own head and wreck emotional and energetic chaos.  However, I know how dangerous it can be to respond in anger or an overwrought emotion.

The important thing to keep in mind is that protecting your own energy should not come at the cost of keeping the peace.  This does not, however, mean you have to be a reciprocal a-hole.  Like my mamma (Rest in Heaven) always said: “2 wrongs don’t make a right!”

If you feel like you simply cannot respond in the moment because you are too emotional, make it a point to respond later – do not, under any circumstances, ignore it.  This does not mean becoming confrontational or aggressive in response.  Here are my tips for turning these experiences of microaggression into empowering opportunities for dialogue:

1. Assume positive intent.  Remember: a microaggression is, more often than not, committed by someone unwittingly.  As in, they don’t know they’re being offensive.  While this may seem hard to believe when you’re on the receiving end, it’s important to try and be as objective as possible in the moment.
   
   In my last article, I discussed the S-S-S Method as a way of looking objectively at your experience and both controlling and defining your own narrative.  This involves determining what are the FACTS surrounding the experience versus your own BELIEFS about the experience.  For example, the fact may be that someone said, “I love your hair.  Can I touch it?” or, the old trope, “You’re so articulate!” to me.  My belief about hearing that becomes, this person is racist.  But is that the fact?
   
   If you assume positive intent, you’re setting up the potential for dialogue – as opposed to argument.  Being able to view the perpetrator as foolish or unconscious or unknowing creates a pathway to compassion: where you are able to look at their mistake or inability to understand why what they have said is offensive as a complete lack of understanding.
   
   Try this: imagine you are working with an ESL colleague.  They are incredibly smart and gifted but because English is their second language, they may stumble over phrases or idioms.  You wouldn’t hold that against them because you have a compassion-based understanding that they are trying hard to communicate yet struggling to do so.  When you assume positive intent, you are able to look at the perpetrator of microaggressions in much the same way: they’re trying, but they don’t know what they don’t know. By forming this intentional perspective, you set yourself up to respond in a manner that will serve you vs. reacting in defense to what you perceive as their intent. (And, don't get it twisted, often your perception about their intent is on point but reacting to it never bodes well for you).
   

2. Focus only on YOUR impact.  Instead of assuming the other person's intent and jeopardizing losing your cool, focus on your impact instead. This is important and sometimes hard to do when you’re on the receiving end of someone’s hurtful comments, but their poor choice of words doesn’t necessarily mean they are bad people.  Beyond that, it definitely doesn’t mean you need to become the same kind of “bad” person by matching their negative energy!  Reacting poorly won’t create a positive outcome: one that leads to them understanding the impact of their words on you – and it’s really their impact on you that is what needs to be acknowledged and understood.
   
   

3. 3D Formula = Diffuse + Direct + Drill.  Diffuse means to acknowledge the person. Direct means to direct the conversation to where you want it to be. Drill means to broaden the conversation to get to the point they are trying to make or down to the specifics of why they are saying it to you.
   
   I’ll give you an example… When I was a news reporter in Texas, I shared a desk with several other white reporters and photographers and I found a company notebook where they had meticulously (and creatively) written a full script episode of a sketch comedy show they created. Many of the jokes were racist and filled with the n-word. When I asked them about it, they compared their creation to the Chappelle Show which, they told me they thought was a really hilarious show, and then they questioned me why I would take offense: because 1) they surely weren’t racist as this was just a joke, and 2) black people called each other the n-word all the time. 
   
   I’ll be honest:  I was speechless.  I didn’t know how to respond at the moment. I didn’t know if they were telling the truth about their intent.  What I wish I would’ve communicated in that moment is: 1) how much I didn’t appreciate them putting our team in the predicament of needing to assess each other’s racial motivations in the workplace where we are all supposed to have a certain level of comfort and belonging, and 2) how much I took offense to being lumped into a stereotypical category of any ethnic group  but particularly one that would assume that because some people who look like me and speak of themselves and others in a certain way that would somehow automatically apply to me by nature of the fact that we are of the same ethnicity.
   
   This is where it is crucial to invite the perpetrator to sit alongside you in the awkwardness of their words or deeds while you get to the root of their behavior together.  Almost without exception, the person you are confronting would never consider themselves to be a racist.  They would be horrified at such a categorization.  Asking a simple question like, what did you mean by that? What exactly is funny about this to you?... shifts the focus from the statement itself to the person and their motivations…and their intent…this is where you’re going to get: I didn’t mean it like that.
   
   Acknowledge that you accept their intentions to be as they stated but reframe the conversation around the impact of the microaggression. Explain how you initially interpreted it and why. If they continue to assert that they “didn’t mean it like that,” remind them that you appreciate their willingness to clarify their intent and hope they appreciate your willingness to clarify their impact.  Remember: intent does not nullify impact!

This approach, whether taken immediately or after a pause, serves to create a dialogue, rather than an argument.  It allows you to take control of the conversation with both kindness and tact…(and professionalism:)  It does not suggest weakness – yet it is not “aggressive”.  This builds an environment where you can share how you feel and, at the same time, create space for them to respond.

The best part?  It allows you to protect your own energy.  You control what these microaggressions will mean for your life and your work — what you will take from these interactions (and what you will allow them to take from you). We are already subject to biased expectations and evaluations in the workplace. Life is sufficiently tough without allowing microaggressions to bring you down. Let protecting your energy be your greatest and most persistent act of resistance. After all, it’s not your job to “educate” the “mis-educated.”

And if you find yourself shifting from victimhood to martyrdom in these situations, consider yourself struggling with a certain level of energy!  Yes, it’s diagnosable. You are essentially operating in flight-or-fight mode, which is unsustainable and potentially destructive.  It’s certainly not going to allow you to be empowered. It’s level one energy. (read about the levels here:)

Here’s the truth: It’s incredibly difficult to raise your energy levels without first knowing where they are!  Your ability to control how you behave when subjected to microaggressions is deeply connected to your understanding of who you ARE, how you respond to stress, and how you are able to interpret and interact with other people, your environment, and yourself.

If you are ready to meet the ultimate tool of self-discovery – one that is more neuroscience than woo – you must become familiar with your Energy Leadership Index.  It is the ultimate tool to help you transition from victim to Acceptance, Responsibility, and Wisdom.  Explore the Energy Leadership Index Assessment here.