Celebrating Mother's Day When You Don't Feel Like Celebrating
Let’s be clear - I’m not a proponent of manufactured holidays of any kind. I don’t need a day to celebrate myself as a Black person, woman, etc. and at the same time, I understand the sentiment and the value of the reminder we sometimes all need to take time and appreciate ourselves and those around us.
That said, I’ve seen a lot of inbox action this year asking if I wanted to opt-out of Mother’s Day emails. Is this a new thing? Or maybe it’s an old thing that I just never noticed before. It’s nice (or nice marketing) that companies are recognizing that, for some people, Mother’s Day can be a painful reminder of loss. And for those who haven’t lost their mom or access to their children, it could still be a difficult time – memories of disconnection, instability, dysfunction, and more can certainly be brought to the surface. For the rarest – those women who have managed to reach the age of motherhood themselves without a) losing their own moms and b) a past better left undisturbed – this can STILL be a tough season fraught with disappointment, unmet desires, and additional stress.
If this week is already doing a negative number on your energy, consider the following four practical ways to protect your emotions and performance while being bombarded with Hallmark messaging:
Practice self care. **cue the eye rolls** Yes, I know. We’re self-care obsessed – at least, we give lip service to it obsessively. But what about this: stop thinking self care is all about spa trips and yoga classes! A wise person once said ‘self-care is discipline that doesn’t cut any corners”. This includes sitting with the discomfort and pain of our disappointment and discouragement. Instead of pushing through it and putting our “face” on, it can mean going within and tending to our inner world, it can also mean exploring and being curious about why you are having this experience. When grief is fresh, it can feel like all your nerve endings are exposed. Tears may be triggered by a song, a picture, or a movie. Driving down certain streets in my hometown always reminds me of my mom and rides she and I would take together down the same blocks. These are the times to be extra kind to yourself and practice REAL self-care to preserve your sanity.
Choose to intentionally focus. Remember, energy flows where attention goes. When my mother passed away with no warning, I remember being very selective with what I would focus on or pay attention to. I’m never an advocate for running away from anything, but it did me good to spend time traveling and temporarily living away from my home, which was just a few blocks from where she lived. The new environment gave me time to reflect and enjoy the memory of her when I wanted to and at the same time focus elsewhere when I needed to. So you can try applying filters to emails so that any references to Mother’s Day are immediately sent to junk. Avoid department stores and choose podcasts on subjects you’re interested in to help distract you on grocery trips, where cards and flowers can be inescapable. On Mother’s Day itself, it may be a good idea to avoid social media if it triggers you.
The past two years, I’ve chosen to distract myself, not by eliminating the day from my life but instead using it to do fun, adventurous things my mom and I both enjoyed like dining at fancy seafood restaurants, catching a random jazz or blues show or taking spur of the moment, long road trips.
Maybe Mother’s Day is a tough day not because you’ve lost your own mom, but for other personal reasons – or maybe it’s just hard because being a mom is hard! Consider asking for the gift of time if your children are old enough or have a caregiver that can look after them for a few precious hours. I don’t know about you but a nap and some solitude with a good book can be as luxurious and indulgent as the fanciest night out some days…
Redefining notions of self care is an important aspect of actually CARING FOR OURSELVES. When you feel pressured into a predetermined, predefined activity that has been successfully marketed as “self care” it’s easy to fall into the trap of just going-along-to-get-along – YOU know what’s best for you and what you need in the moment. Consider giving it to yourself for a change. That’s real self care.Reach out to a friend. Friends are great but they’re not psychic. If you’ve recently lost your mom or are having a tough time, they may avoid discussing it for fear of saying the wrong thing. I’ve learned the hard way that the worst thing you can say to someone who is grieving is nothing and on the flip side, when you are in pain and desiring support, not making that desire known, can be just as hurtful.
If you have good people in your life, drop them a message and tell them you’re not OK. Sometimes you need to make the first move. I know it’s hard to do, but asking for help is not a sign of weakness.
Even if your mom is alive and well, consider surrounding yourself with good friends this time of year! After all, they may be dealing with a tough time. Even better if they have kids that can hang out with your own – let the kids play while you get some valuable catch-up mommy time. In our fast-paced, over-scheduled lives, it’s easy to become more and more disconnected and distant from friends outside of social media. Use this holiday as an excuse to indulge in some face-to-face friend time if at all possible.Make your own traditions (and your own rules). Every birthday, Christmas and Mother’s Day, why not spend the money you would have spent on a present to donate to charity or a cause you care about? Or doing something kind for a random stranger? Doing a bit of good in your mom’s name can certainly make a sad day a little brighter.
This is the perfect season to break free of ought-to and embrace want-to. Always felt stifled by a family tradition you simply find distasteful or unpleasant? Let it go! Mom guilt is real but what better time than a day devoted to moms to kick it to the curb?! Put the kids on their tech, let them veg out in front of the TV, or rot their brains for an hour (or more) on their cell phones while you take a bubble bath, glass of wine in hand OR get a legit workout in. Why not? A few hours won’t hurt them – and you’ll all feel better and happier for it.
I know I’ve been a little cavalier in this article and I also know firsthand that losing your mom is no joke and sometimes being one isn’t either. With Covid and supply chain issues I haven’t even been able to secure my mother’s headstone yet. It’s been a terrible time of loss for me and for my family. Beyond that, the pressures of running my own business, being a consultant and a speaker, while being a single mom can be overwhelming. If you’re experiencing grief, loss, stress, exhaustion, or a miserable combination of all of the above, I really get it.
And, while grieving the loss of a parent doesn’t come with an instruction booklet and it certainly has been the most painful experience I’ve experienced in life thus far, like many other painful situations I’ve gone through, there is so much wisdom and so many lessons I am grateful to have learned from it. This is something I never thought was possible two years ago and I’m so grateful to be on the other side to be able to say it today.
One thing that was reiterated for me through my own grief process is how important it is to protect my peace and manage my energy. If you’ve been around here for any length of time, you know in addition to being a public speaking trainer and business communications consultant, I’m also an Energy Leadership Coach. Being able to understand and control my levels of energy and the behavior patterns associated with them has been a game changer for me. I wasn’t new to this work when my mom passed but I was reminded that there’s no limit to our expansion and our journey of transformation never ends - challenges arise and we are invited into deeper and deeper levels of growth (and if we’re not careful, suffering).
So, what ways are you planning to honor yourself this Mother’s Day? Let me know in the comments!
