How to Avoid Getting Triggered (in Your Professional and Personal Life)
My supervisor: When do you think you can have that report ready for us to review?
Me: says nothing, rages internally
***
My partner with me at Target: do you really need all of that?
Me: do I really need YOU?
***
My partner: what’s for dinner?
Me, sarcastically: I dunno. What are you making?
Funny, right? Much easier to keep our mouths shut when triggered in a professional environment than a personal one.
Let’s start by talking about triggers. Triggers are a hot topic these days. Ever notice how you start to feel when someone says something seemingly innocuous (like the above scenarios) yet your interpretation of the question or statement flips an irritation switch in your brain? If you get agitated, reactive, or tend to blame/shame/rage/get controlling and become instantly resentful when someone says something that could be interpreted as “innocent”... congratulations! You’re human. You’ve also just been triggered.
Here’s the truth: triggers are inside of us. They have nothing to do with the other person or what they said or even did. (If you are having a reaction to an overt affront, insult, or attack, that is not a trigger. That is a response – yes, one that should be measured and deliberate, yet also assertive and leadership-driven. (For more on this, check out this recent article).
Triggers have a lot to do with our level of REACTIVITY and capacity to authentically (and honestly) respond …. without blowing an emotional gasket or busting a verbal cap in someone’s behind.
We are reactive or over reactive when our stress response sends us into fight, flight, or freeze mode. We react on autopilot. When this happens, we lose control and we stop being able to see anything clearly and objectively.
Think about the last time you were triggered. Imagine it was a road rage scenario. You’re in a hurry, stressed out, running late. You’re in the left lane and a slooooooooow mover gets in front of you while cars start whooshing by on the right, everyone going around and glaring at you, while you’re stuck behind Mr. Slow-In-The-Fast-Lane. Your heart races, your hands start sweating, you’re pissed the F off. You may become more aggressive or let out a few choice words or flap your hands up in anger or even flash that special finger… you know, we’ve all been there.
But thinking about it now, while you’re sitting here reading this, you probably feel a little silly. I mean, what was the big deal? You got to your destination, right? Yeah, you spent 3 minutes stuck but then you had a chance to switch lanes, zoom past and the slow poke was ancient history.
Big deal.
But that is because now you are (hopefully) in a calm place, free of fight mode, feeling a little embarrassed about how you acted like a lunatic and flipped off that old geezer.
While in a healthy mental space, you wouldn’t do any such thing. Why? Because those choices don’t reflect the kind of person you are or want to be.
We all get triggered at times, but we don’t have to say and do things we regret, which will ultimately damage our relationships and leave us feeling bad about ourselves. With a little self-awareness, we can stop reacting on autopilot and start responding to life from a calm, neutral place. Maybe not all the time, but more often than not, and we’ll feel a lot more peaceful and in control as a result!
Remember: when we react from a place of fear and anger, we rarely feel good about the things we say and do.
Becoming a better leader means learning how to control both anger and ego so that the actions of others do not easily trigger you. Everyone knows what it's like to feel let down when things don't go the way you wanted or when others don't have the same positive mindset as you or you feel the people around you aren’t doing their job effectively. However, when you can identify the things that trigger you most, you can better understand your emotions and develop healthier coping mechanisms to handle them gracefully (and avoid the regret that comes from overreacting).
First Things First: Understanding the Different Types of Triggers
Common triggers include:
Feeling attacked
Feeling like someone isn't listening to you or taking your words seriously
Experiencing what you perceive to be disrespect in the workplace
Hearing rumors about yourself from others
Feeling like you don't have any control over a situation
Not feeling validated in your thoughts and feelings
The bottom line is that most people feel triggered when they believe they're being attacked, disrespected, or invalidated. These triggers can lead to different types of anger, such as passive aggressiveness, paranoia, sudden fury, and even shame-based anger. When you can understand your triggers, it becomes easier to focus on the underlying anger behind those triggers.
Identifying the Underlying Anger Beneath Triggers
Once you've identified your triggers and the kind of anger you tend to experience as a direct result, you can begin to pinpoint the underlying causes in order to better control your reactions/overreactions. For example, you may be angry because you feel embarrassed, humiliated, anxious, or frustrated. You might feel you should confront someone for something they did or said, but – at the same – feel frustration because you hate confrontation and want to avoid an argument. No matter the underlying cause, simply recognizing the emotions you're experiencing can help you maintain greater self-control over yourself and your actions.
How to Stay Calm When Feeling Triggered
One of the easiest and most effective ways to stay calm when feeling even the slightest bit triggered is to understand your emotions and become more aware of them. Label what you're feeling and take time to process those emotions. Then, no matter what you're feeling, say it aloud or write it down in a journal. It's not something you necessarily have to say to someone else if you don't want to, but it helps to get it off your chest when you say things like, "I'm experiencing anger because I'm feeling frustrated. I feel angry because my feelings are hurt, and the situation was embarrassing for me." Taking the time to acknowledge how you feel will instantly relieve some of that anger and frustration.
You can even use this method to better understand those around you who appear to be struggling with controlling their reactions. For example, you can say, "I sense what you're feeling. I sense you're angry and you’re frustrated." This lets them know you SEE and you CARE (both very important leadership skills). By putting forth the effort to avoid getting triggered, you can experience a true transformation within yourself that helps you on your leadership journey.
One quick note here: feeling overwhelmed, emotionally drained or physically exhausted are all easy contributors to being more easily triggered. Prioritize self-leadership by taking care of yourself and your needs so that you’re less likely to feel overwhelmed, burnt out, or on the verge of snapping. If you overextend yourself or regularly neglect your needs, you’ll likely feel triggered by even minor annoyances because your default state will be imbalance and agitation. And you’ll find it nearly impossible to handle major issues because you won’t have the inner strength to handle them. Take good care of yourself, mentally, physically, and emotionally, and everything will feel more manageable.
Here are my 6 go-to tips for how best to avoid being triggered:
Identify your triggers. I know I already mentioned this but this first step is crucial. You have to know what sets you off and WHY. This can be anything from a certain type of behavior to a certain type of person. Once you know what your triggers are, you can start to be more conscious of them and prepare yourself to deal with them in the best way possible. Forewarned is forearmed!
Take a step back. When you feel like you're about to lose it, take a step back - both literally and figuratively. Remove yourself from the situation if possible, and take some time to yourself. Deep breathing and intentional thought processing helps. This will help you clear your head and be more level headed about how to respond. (Not necessarily possible in the road rage scenario, but if you’re ‘trapped’ physically, consider a distraction: music is always a good idea!)
Stay on your pedestal. It's important to remember that you always have a choice in how you respond to a situation. When you're feeling triggered, it's easy to react impulsively and say or do something you'll later regret because it will take you out of your own personal integrity. But if you take a step back and respond calmly and thoughtfully, you'll be much more likely to resolve the issue in a way that works for everyone involved (and that includes YOU being the highest version of you).
Keep your cool. This can be difficult, but it's important to try to maintain your composure - even when you don't feel like it. Losing your temper will only make the situation worse, so practice some deep breathing exercises or visualization techniques to help you stay calm.
Communicate effectively. If you're feeling triggered, it's likely that the situation is causing some sort of emotional reaction in you. Instead of bottling up those feelings, communicate them in a way that's respectful and constructive. This will help you get your point across without making the situation worse.
Give up the need to be right. Triggering conversations tend to escalate because each person is hell bent on holding on to their respective opinions. To validate another’s feelings and points of view does not mean you agree. Deal with yourself emotionally and when you find yourself in a good place, acknowledge and validate the other person - this usually de-escalates a situation.
A final note: control is KEY when it comes to triggers. Why? Because triggers are triggers because they cause you to lose it and pop off.
Ask yourself: “What do I have control over?”
Since you don’t have control over what other people do, how they feel or what they say and any desire to control them naturally creates frustration and anger in you, if you want to remain in control, stay calm and avoid being triggered, you must focus inward. Because the only thing you have control over is yourself.
Simple in concept. Complex in application.
What triggers you and why? How do you avoid it? Feel comfortable sharing? Let me know!
