Escaping Shame: How to Stop Secretly Hating Yourself
How do you talk about yourself to yourself?
What does your inner monologue look like? When was the last time you stopped to congratulate yourself for a recent accomplishment, or even a simple acknowledgment of how far you have come?
If you’re like most people, the answer (sadly) is probably not recently or even not ever.
There is a lot of social and emotional conditioning that goes into the way we talk about ourselves to others — and that includes our inner commentary on our own lives. No one like a braggart, right? Humility is valuable. Let others lift you up. Pride goes before a fall. Don’t toot your own horn.
Sound familiar?
It’s one thing to be humble (but let the motherf*ckers know, as they say)… but something else entirely to have a deep sense of self-loating or self-hatred.
And — I know, I know — this isn’t a self-improvement blog. You’re here for executive leadership, de-toxifying your workplace (or dealing with it), public speaking and effective communication… but hear me out: one of the reasons your workplace sucks (and your ‘workplace’ includes all of the topics I just listed) is underlying shame and guilt. And guess what underlying shame and guilt cause? Self-loathing or self-hatred.
Time to unpack all of this.
Let’s start with something we can all agree on: effective communication among teams and co-workers is essential for workplace success. Uncontroversial, proven, well-known and well-accepted.
So, if the need for effective communication is so established, how come people don’t engage in it for the betterment of themselves and their workplace/organization/business?
Underlying shame and guilt.
How do I know?
Let’s approach this at a different angle and look at the symptoms first as opposed to the cause…
Imagine you’re in a meeting at work, virtual or in-person. Pick out the “troublemakers” and hold them in your mind. What kind of behavior are you seeing from them?
A desperate desire to be “right” no matter what?
A tendency to be critical instead of creative?
A need to “seem smart” or be taken seriously — even at the expense of others?
This type of behavior, beyond just being off-putting and irritating, creates a tiring pretense. It kills connection and collaboration and leads to avoidance, separation and isolation.
If you’re not the one engaging in the behavior, it’s off-putting.
But… if you do adopt this stance (even just occasionally), WHY do you do it?
Why do you need to be right? Why do you need to be critical of others? Why do you need to be critical of yourself? Why do you feel desperate to be taken seriously? (And, if you don’t do any of these things, consider why others might do it).
Beneath it all is a deep desire to do good, be seen as good, and receive good.
And here’s some good news to go along with all of those prior good’s: not only is this human nature, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
In fact, SHAME is the very thing eliminates our ability to recognize and acknowledge our own accomplishments and leads to those toxic behaviors that make our workplaces less efficient and more miserable.
Over the years, I’ve worked with countless professionals on all levels of the corporate ladder and the one thing they all had in common, no matter how educated or accomplished is a lack of appreciation, celebration and love of themself. It was like they were programmed to celebrate everyone else…everyone but the person staring them in the mirror.
It’s polite to play down our achievements.
It’s gracious to give all the credit to the team around you.
It's downright selfish to have a Snoop Dogg walk of fame moment and “Thank Your Damn Self!”
We have been trained to hate ourselves on many levels. We don’t want to admit it, but the critical voices of past and current authority (parents, teachers, bosses, spouses, bullies, etc) are what tend to reign supreme in our head, causing many of us to experience self-hatred without even realizing it.
For example, when someone you love is having a tough time, you may say positive things to them, such as, "Things will get better. You're amazing, and you will get through this." But do you say these kinds of things to yourself when you’re feeling down?
And if not, WHY NOT?
I’ll make this easy and answer that for you: the reason you don’t hype yourself like you do those around you is because you are dealing with an overwhelming sense of self criticism and shame.
It's an internal voice that tells you you're bad at something or that you will never amount to anything. A voice that says “this will never work” or “oh look, you screwed that up again” or ”they don’t really like you,” “you can’t do that,” “you shouldn’t do that” ...
This voice isn’t one that can be shut out with daily affirmations.
It is the voice of self-doubt, self-hatred and shame.
And here’s the harsh reality: forget about trying to silence this voice. It’s not going anywhere. In fact, the more you fixate on it, the louder it gets. Energy goes where attention flows, remember?
I’ve talked about making friends with your inner critic before, and this certainly aligns. The bottom line is that the solution to dealing with that voice begins (and ends) with acceptance.
The moment you begin to realize that this internal misery monologue of self-criticism, self-hatred and shame isn’t getting you anywhere is the exact moment you can begin to overcome it.
It’s the unconscious repetition of toxic thought and behavior that is so dangerous — you know, where you simply get stuck on pete-and-repeat of shaming yourself, shaming others, shaming yourself for shaming others…
Here is the antidote to all of that internal baggage — stuff you’ve been carrying for others and the stuff you’ve unintentionally heaped on yourself: marrying personal and professional development can help you overcome toxic shame and self-hatred.
Once you've recognized toxic shame isn't getting you anywhere, your only real choice is to move forward with a commitment to treat yourself differently.
Think about your best friend for a moment. This is someone who is always there for you, supportive of everything you do, and willing to cheer you on every step of the way. And while it's wonderful to have this person in your corner, imagine how much better it would be if you could become your own best friend.
Because here’s the kicker: best friends aren’t just there to support you, they are there to call bullsh*t on you, too.
So, when your inner monologue turns into Negative Nancy and you begin to question your decisions, relive past mistakes, beat yourself up, or fall back into those deeply ingrained patterns of self-hatred, you can start to DO THE WORK by adopting the tone of a best friend. You can do this by asking yourself some questions, like:
“How true is that thought?”
“What if it’s not that bad?”
“There is a solution to every problem — even this one.”
“Haven’t you survived worse than this before?”
“What have your experiences taught you?”
When you challenge the shame, you release yourself from blame and become empowered which gives you energy and shifts emotions. Research shows that the simple act of changing one emotion can change the thousands of limiting thoughts you’ve commonly and habitually associated with it.
Easier said than done, right? When you've been programmed to believe that being hard on yourself is the only way to approach everything you experience in life, it seems difficult to break out of that bad habit — especially if it’s subconscious (remember: awareness is the first step to healing).
You can improve the relationship you have with yourself by cleansing the connection you have with yourself. This requires mindfulness of what you allow to settle and exist in your consciousness so that you can become mindful of what you allow to come out (in your thoughts and words). Remember: garbage in, garbage out.
You must be willing to commit to the practice of transmuting negative thoughts and energy if you want to experience a genuine shift in how you speak to yourself. This looks like taking all that personal and professional development info you’ve collected from multiple workshops, books, and courses (and articles like this one!) and actually putting it into practice.
Ouch.
“Real transformation is about an inner dynamic of change within yourself.”
Dr. Michael Beckwith
Here’s a refrain you’ve heard from me before: turning this around is simple… yet not easy.
The keys to creating change are:
Be willing to change (duh);
Be determined to focus on becoming more observant of yourself and your interactions with others.
A practical way to do this looks like asking yourself questions to release that shame-driven negative energy (and, yes, that negative energy, just like any energy, is pattern-driven — which is why it’s so easy to get into these cycles to begin with. After all, victim energy is still energy, even when it’s not good for you or others). These questions include:
● How can I resolve this?
● How do I get to a solution that works for everyone?
● How do I want to feel about this?
You can also start to fuel your internal best-friend-thoughts to move from a disempowered, casual conversation to an intentional one fueled by higher vibration energy.:
There’s an answer to this issue.
There’s a solution somewhere.
I can find my way out of this.
I can make this work.
I’ve overcome hard things before and I will overcome this.
Once you've asked yourself these questions, you can become more in tune with your higher self while experiencing feelings of being grounded and centered. If you're more aware of your actions, thoughts, and feelings, you can begin doing the work needed to remove those shame-driven, damaging, limiting thoughts and beliefs from your mind.
Meditating is another one of the most effective ways of becoming more in tune with yourself. When you're meditating and doing breathwork, you're more in tune with your own self than ever. You become so self-aware that nothing around you seems to matter anymore. Not only are you becoming more aware, but you're regulating your nervous system and cultivating a healthier concept of yourself. You will be amazed at the answers your body will give you after a few minutes of intense, intentional breathwork.
Let’s be real for a second: we've all been at that point in our minds where we can't stand ourselves. No wonder other people can’t! 😂 Unfortunately, we all hate on ourselves to some degree and then project that self-hatred onto some of the people around us, including our friends, family, and co-workers. It's not that we want to do that, it’s just that we've been programmed to do so for so long that it has become an unconscious habit. But if you want to be more authentic and lead by example in everything you do, professionally and personally, you have to stop the self-hate by getting honest and vulnerable, while learning to honor, love, and celebrate yourself, flaws and all - no matter what!
If you're at a point in your life where you're tired of experiencing feelings of self-hatred, but you don't know what to do to break out of that cycle, cleanse your connection. Focus on building your self awareness and authentic communication muscles while grounding yourself and the emotions you're experiencing each day. When you have negative thoughts, quickly clear the negativity and replace the bad thoughts with empowering ones. Most importantly, start listening to yourself and others more deeply and intensely than you have in the past.
Listen: we're all a work in progress. Will this shift happen overnight? Not necessarily. But can it happen sooner than you might anticipate? Yes! It will happen if you're willing to turn anger and frustration into love and start caring more about yourself and how you feel. And once that shift occurs, you will see the difference that self-love can make compared to secretely hating yourself.
Let go of shame, let go of the negative thoughts, and understand that if you want to create a new life with new possibilities, you must change the way you think about and treat YOU.
I promise you’ll make a better workplace and home environment if you do.
