5 Ways to Easily Improve Your Communication Skills (and Win Every Argument) Part 2
“Don’t raise your voice. Improve your argument.”
I’m going to get really real. I’m a yeller.
I come by it honestly. When I was a child, my mother yelled all.the.time. It was a manifestation of her own trauma, of course, and she did it to feel safe and powerful. Yelling is always a defense mechanism, indicative of issues in the yeller’s core psyche that has nothing to do with the recipient of the yelling.
Unfortunately, because of this modeling, I would soon follow in her footsteps, becoming a relentless fighter with the idea that it would help keep me safe. Deep down inside, I didn't like being confrontational, but I would yell to form a protective shell around myself, trying to proactively keep from being bullied, dismissed, overlooked, ignored, and just plain hurt.
Because I didn't want to be attacked, I'd pretend to be much tougher than I was. And while that strategy may have worked well enough to keep the bullies at bay, it destroyed my relationships with others in adulthood. I thought it was appropriate to be harsh and hostile – even with those who truly wanted the best for me.
Once I became a mom myself, it only got worse as I began to pattern my own parenting style after my mom’s, which means I yelled at my kids. It was the realization of how my behavior was affecting my children in a negative way that was my come-to-Jesus moment: I had to quit yelling.
And while yelling is emotional tyranny, it’s an easy habit.
“Each time you indulge in the emotion of anger or the behavior of yelling at a loved one, you reinforce the neural connection and increase the likelihood that you’ll do it again.”
- Tony Robbins
When we feel threatened – whether that looks like being challenged at work or having an argument with a loved one – the threatened state triggers a natural and automatic process that actually changes our brain and body chemistry. It's the same process that is triggered when we are in an emergency, like a car accident. Hormones are produced that flood our body, and all our blood rushes to our extremities so that we can act quickly. We begin to respond from the primal and animal part of our brain, and the more rational parts of the brain shut down to preserve energy. At that moment, we can only do one of two things: flight or fight.
I mentioned this in Part One of this series, but it bears repeating: “Stan from Accounting” isn’t actually trying to kill you. And neither is your teenager or your partner.
Here’s the deal: you can’t DO anything, much less present an effective argument, when you’re in threat mode. The science actually says our brains literally shut down.
Start yelling when in threat mode and you’re basically brainless… loud and brainless.
Ouch!
If you’re a natural-born yeller like I was, I can almost hear the eye roll. HOW CAN I STOP YELLING? I hear you yell. 🤣
Look, I get it: of course, it’s easier said than done. But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible.
If you’ve “always” been a yeller, it may seem counterintuitive or unnatural to try and adopt new modes of communication and it will take effort.
Before you can change your actions, you must change your mind.
So, consider a little Yelling ROI Analysis with me for a moment.
Just to recap:
Yelling is an outworking of personal trauma
Yelling is a defense mechanism
Yelling happens when we feel threatened and, as such, is truly a brainless state of being
Yelling is unhealthy, ineffective, hurtful and counterproductive
And I could go on.
So, in a calm state, which you’re in right now (hopefully), consider giving up yelling. Mind made up? Good! Change your mind → change your actions.
I understand just how tough it can be to keep your cool when someone cuts you off mid-sentence, raises a super dumb argument in reaction to your brilliant one (LOL), engages in toxic workplace behavior and more. But, hey! You don’t want to be a loud, brainless idiot so let’s examine the ways we can win the argument without raising our voices.
How do you break out of the yelling cycle and begin to change the way you react? You use the following tips to your advantage!
Identify the Things That Trigger You Most. Focus on identifying your triggers. We all have them. What types of things get you riled up and ready to yell? Is it someone who talks over you or someone who tries to test your knowledge in some way or another? The sooner you recognize those triggers, the easier it becomes to be more aware of your reactions and change them. Make a detailed list of the triggers, and then remind yourself of what tends to irritate you and get you to that point where you do start yelling. Reference the list as often as you need, and don't be afraid to add more to the list if necessary.We all have things that set us off (and I’ve written more about triggers here). Being more aware of where your threats hide out can be a powerful step to avoiding being triggered in the first place. We can enter into sensitive situations more consciously and purposely, and hold an intention to keep our cool.
Work on Using Your Words. Remember the teacher saying, "Use your words?" They'd often tell us this because they didn't want us hitting each other, pulling hair, or yelling back and forth. The same thing works in adulthood. The yelling isn't effective, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you should just be quiet. If you can get better with words to help you defend your side of an argument, you'll never need to yell because your words will help you prove your point.
Use Knowledge to Your Advantage. Knowledge is incredibly powerful. You have extensive knowledge of different subjects and can use that to your advantage in any debate or argument you might have. Don't let anyone's comments or opinions undermine your intelligence or authority. Start caring less about what others think and more about what you know.
Try Not to Take Things Too Personally. When we hear things we don't like or feel like someone is challenging us, we naturally get defensive (see last week’s article on this for more), but not everything is a personal attack. In fact, depending on the level of energy you choose to bring to a situation, nothing ever has to be perceived as “personal” – really! Put your best effort into not taking things too personally. Remind yourself that sometimes people are curious, uncertain, or just plain unaware and not necessarily trying to prove you wrong.
Keep Calm. While not everyone is trying to insult you, there are times when others are truly attempting to get a rise out of you. The more they see that their actions don't get under your skin, the less they'll try to bother you with petty arguments and fights that aren't worth your time or effort.If you’re struggling to maintain your composure and keep your cool, interrupt the cycle. Before you end up in full-on threat mode, do something to calm down, and shift yourself. Take a few deep breaths, take a sip of water, get some space, take a time out. The goal is to get back into the more rational, problem solving part of your brain (and hopefully, your heart💛). Life hack: if you take a sip of water, the animal in your head thinks, “the threat must be gone, I'm at the watering hole.” Funny, right? But it works.
Bottom line? Greater control over your emotions will help you win any argument, every time. And who doesn’t want that?!
You may have spent the past several decades being on the defense, ready to yell at anyone the minute you feel personally attacked - likely with good reason. And while it's normal for some people to exhibit that kind of behavior because of how their parents raised them, it's not good behavior to display personally or professionally as an adult.
When you stop yelling and start using your words, you become more powerful than you ever could just by ratcheting up the volume. You're using your vast knowledge and experience to prove points and win arguments, proving there's no need to raise your voice to get people to listen to you. As a former yeller, I know 2 things to be true: it’s hard and it’s worth it. The internal battle against yelling is one worth winning.
Improve your knowledge → improve your words → improve your argument without yelling.
