Whether you’ve seen the recent Jennifer Hudson biopic on Aretha Franklin or not, you are undoubtedly familiar with the refrain:

Respect!  This can be a make-or-break factor in career success – whether you feel you are receiving enough of it, unable to give it, or simply not being met in a reciprocal way.

Disrespectful behavior in the workplace takes many forms, from subtle comments, raised voices or name calling, to sexist behavior. Rude behavior in the workplace causes problems ranging from lost productivity, increased stress, a negative impact on the workplace environment and decreased employee retention.  It often leads to inauthentic communication because it strips us of our confidence (again: confidence is a choice, not something we are born with).

In their article, The Cost of Bad Behavior, Christine Porath of the McDonough School of Business, Georgetown University, and Christine Pearson of the Thunderbird School of Global Management, described their findings after surveying nearly 800 managers and employees across 17 industries. According to Porath, writing for Quartz, forty-seven percent of those who were treated poorly intentionally decreased the time spent at work, and 38 percent said they deliberately decreased the quality of their work. Sixty-six percent reported their performance declined and 78 percent said their commitment to the organization had declined. 

"Research also shows that working in a group where incivility is present affects people's mental health even after accounting for general stress and the incivility an individual personally experienced," states Porath. "You don't have to be the targeted population, or the employee who gets ripped publicly to be negatively affected."

In my own experience of working with and training Women in Leadership, I have discovered that this feeling of disrespect from colleagues is often the number one cause of discomfort, dissatisfaction, failure to thrive, and perceived (and real) humiliation.  If you find yourself often dealing with professional interactions that leave you feeling uncomfortable, irritated, angry – or worse, keep reading!  

The feeling of being disrespected is a major BUTTON PUSHER.  And you know exactly what I mean: when your buttons are being pushed, you are being pissed the eff off.  This can result in all kinds of symptoms – these could include a red face, increased heart rate, shortness of breath, shaking, nervousness, saying something you will later regret, lack of control, or even total shut down.  When your buttons are being pushed and you allow them to be pushed, you are essentially giving your power to the person who is being disrespectful.  You are allowing their behavior, speech, and actions to influence you in a negative way. You are giving in to what spiritual teacher and author Eckhart Tolle calls the “pain body.” [See more from him here]. 

These symptoms are ENERGY-related.  We recognize this in our speech.  When you talk about difficult people, you may say, they are so draining.  This is the perfect description of what is happening when you interact with them: they are essentially draining your positive energy.  If you’re familiar with the Energy Leadership Index, you already understand how anabolic (positive and constructive) and catabolic (negative and destructive) levels work: stressful situations and environments attempt to shift us from anabolic to catabolic; and without the skills and coping techniques to understand and maintain your own energy level (your own power), you risk “losing it” every time you are forced to interact with button-pusher’s.

The next time you begin to feel disrespected, consider the following framework to maintain your composure and TAKE BACK YOUR POWER.  

The PING Framework

Pause - Stop and notice

INhale - Breathe. Become present. Go inside.

Get Curious - Ask Questions

Step One: STOP (Pause)

Sounds simple enough, right?  Just STOP.  “Stop what?” I hear you ask.  Stop all judgment and attempts to analyze and assess the situation as all analysis at this point will surely be subjective and ego based around what you believe is “right” or “wrong” in the situation.  I recommend using the Meisner Technique for this. This technique is a unique training form that teaches actors to respond to stimuli and trust their instincts by "getting out of their head", so that they can behave instinctively to the surrounding environment. It’s a great way to tap into your creative potential and embrace more authenticity while being able to “step outside” of the stressful situation and see it with more clarity.  It is essentially a method to notice and only respond to all objective, non-judgmental truth in any situation. 

For example: let’s say you’re in a meeting with Mr. Button Pusher.  The whole time he’s talking to you, you’re thinking, I can’t stand this guy. I hate having to be in this meeting with him. He’s so disrespectful. He doesn’t allow me to speak. He thinks he’s always right. Etc, etc, etc. STOP. Using the Meisner Technique would look like this:  

1. Shut down the inner monologue with a few kind words to yourself. Thank you, inner critic, because I know you’re working to keep me safe.

2. Focus on Mr. Button Pusher.  Look at him.

3. Observe all objective reality about him that you can: he’s wearing a navy suit and a red tie. That’s the truth. No judgment there. He’s wearing glasses.  All of a sudden, you start wondering, how strong is his prescription?  This is what the brain does: it analyzes.  It attempts to understand; it naturally assesses as opposed to simply observing.  So, this is the challenge: to STOP the analysis and START simply being objective.

4. Now… you are present. 

Step Two: BREATHE (INhale)

You’ll be surprised at how simple and intuitive Step Two becomes after you begin to objectively view the situation!  By ridding your inner monologue of judgment, your breathing will automatically slow, your shoulders will relax, and you will regain a sense of control (power).  This is what I call taking the charge off.  It’s a very effective diffusing technique that allows you turn inward so you can… 

Step Three: ASK (Get Curious)  

Now that you’re focused internally (instead of on Mr. Button Pusher), begin to ask yourself questions:

• How emotionally reactive am I right now?

• What button of mine is being pushed right now? (Get specific)

• What is my interpretation of this situation?

Let me give you a personal example of this.  When I worked in newsrooms, I was often the only Black woman in the room. Surrounded by white executives, white anchors …. white people...lots of them.  Yes, I experienced prejudice in those environments BUT a lot of what I was perceiving was creating a negative energy shift in myself.  My interpretation (subjective) of the situation (objective) was causing me to feel anxious, disrespected, scared at times and stressed.  And this internal feeling was causing my energy to downshift into a Level Two (martyr) or even a Level One (victim).  [Learn more about Energy Levels and how they impact our success].

By using the PING Framework, I was able to start looking at some of these white colleagues from an understanding of their own unconscious beliefs and ideas.  This enabled me to view them with compassion as opposed to judgment.  And this allowed me to take my power back by shifting my own perspective and interpretation – I began to own my narrative vs being held back by it.