When Leadership Turns Toxic: Redefining Yourself in the Chaos

Let’s talk about toxic leadership. It’s not just a bad boss or a tough environment—it’s a slow erosion. A drip, drip, drip on your sense of self until one day, you’re sitting in your car, dreading work, wondering, What happened to me?

I know this because I’ve been there. I’ve sat in meetings where leaders weaponized their authority and tore people down for sport. I’ve worked late nights on projects that felt like I was digging a hole to nowhere. I’ve wrestled with that inner dialogue: Should I stay? Should I leave? What if leaving feels like failure?

But here’s the truth I’ve come to learn: toxic leadership isn’t just about them—it’s also about you. It’s about the story you tell yourself in the chaos. And the power? The power is in rewriting that story.

Before we dive in, I want to hear from you. Have you ever worked for a leader who made you question your career, your sanity, or humanity in general? Drop your story in the comments—I read every single one because real talk: we’re all in this together.

The Silent Storm of Toxic Leadership

When you’re under a toxic leader, it’s like living in constant weather—storms of criticism, winds of uncertainty, and clouds of doubt. And while you’re trying to keep your head above water, something deeper is happening: you’re internalizing the storm.

That voice in your head starts saying, Maybe I’m not enough. Maybe I deserve this. Maybe I can’t handle better. Maybe I’m the problem.

Listen to me: That voice is lying to you. But the longer you stay in survival mode, the easier it becomes to mistake that lie for the truth.

Let me share something from my own life. I once worked for someone who was brilliant but brutal. They had a way of making you feel small, even when you were crushing it. For months, I bent over backward trying to prove myself. I worked harder, stayed later, gave more. And yet, every compliment felt hollow, every critique felt like a dagger.

Until one day, I hit my breaking point. I wasn’t just doubting the leader—I was doubting me.

The Mirror Moment: Who Are You Without the Noise?

Here’s what I did next, and I hope it resonates with you: I got quiet. I stopped asking, “Why are they like this?” and started asking, “Who am I in this?”

Because let me tell you, toxic leadership has a way of exposing cracks in your foundation. It shows you where your sense of worth is tied to someone else’s approval, where your identity is tangled up in performance, and where your boundaries are non-existent.

It’s uncomfortable, but it’s also clarifying.

In my quiet moments, I prayed. I reflected. And one truth kept rising to the surface: My value doesn’t come from this job or this leader. It comes from within—and above.

Paul’s letter in the Bible to the Ephesians hit me differently in that season. He talks about identity not as something you earn but as something given:

• You are loved.

• You are chosen.

• You are valuable.

That’s the story I started telling myself. Not the one that said I wasn’t enough or somehow this was my fault and I needed to fix it, or that I needed to stay small to survive.

This helped me remember my values—and what I wanted—which made my decision to “stay” or “go”, much easier.

Rewriting Your Story in the Storm

So, how do you do this? How do you take back your story when toxic leadership has hijacked it?

1. Pause and Reflect
   First things first, step back from the chaos and ask yourself: What am I believing about myself right now? Write it down. Be brutally honest. Then ask: Is this belief serving me, or is it sabotaging me?

2. Redefine Your Narrative
   If the story you’ve been telling yourself is based on fear, rejection, resentment or performance, it’s time to rewrite it. Start with these truths:

   • My worth is not tied to my leader’s opinion.

   • I am capable, creative, and resilient.

   • I am here for a reason, but this job is not the definition of my purpose.

   • What other people do is always about them, not me.

3. Set Boundaries Like Your Sanity Depends on It
   Toxic leaders thrive on blurred lines. Decide what’s non-negotiable for you and take action. Whether it’s limiting communication when possible, saying no to unnecessary tasks, reprioritizing tasks, or refusing to tolerate disrespect, boundaries are your lifeline.

4. Seek Support and Perspective
   Isolation is the enemy of clarity. Find people who remind you of your value—mentors, friends, therapists, or even colleagues who see the toxicity for what it is.

5. Pray for Wisdom and Strength
   Whether you stay or go, navigating toxicity takes courage. Ask for guidance. Ask for strength. And trust that you’re not walking this road alone.

Turning Pain into Power

Here’s the part we don’t talk about enough: toxic leadership can be a gift. I know that sounds wild, but hear me out. It forces you to confront parts of yourself that you might’ve ignored in easier seasons. It makes you stronger, clearer, and more grounded—if you let it.

I came out of that season with scars, yes. But I also came out with a deeper understanding of who I am, what I will—and won’t—allow in my life, and what I want. I found clarity in the chaos. You can too.

Let Me Leave You With This

If you’re in the middle of this storm, I want you to hear me: You are not your job. You are not your boss’s opinion. You are not defined by your performance—or your proximity to someone else’s dysfunction.

You are resilient. You are worthy. And you have the power to rewrite your story.

Say this with me:
I am more than this moment. I am bigger than this battle. I am built for more.

Because you are.

Let’s keep the conversation going.

What’s your survival strategy for dealing with toxic leadership?

Have you stayed, left, or found a way to thrive in the chaos? Share your thoughts in the comments—I’d love to hear your take.

And hey, if this post gave you even a shred of clarity or inspiration, pass it along to someone who needs it.

We rise by lifting each other up.