Wanna win the argument?  (Of course you do).

Wanna know the secret to doing so?

Our emotional intelligence (the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one's emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically) plays a significant role in how we are perceived by others, which, in turn, is an important part of how they respond to us.  Developing emotional intelligence, or EI, is an absolute MUST if we want to impact those around us – both professionally and personally.

Managing emotions is especially important in situations when we are under pressure. For example, when we are:

• Giving and receiving feedback

• Being challenged

• Meeting tight deadlines

• Dealing with challenging relationships

• Not having enough resources

• Navigating change

• Working through setbacks and failure

It’s a scientific fact that emotions precede thought. When emotions run high, they change the way our brains function, diminishing our cognitive abilities, decision-making powers, and even interpersonal skills. Understanding and managing our emotions (and the emotions of others) helps us to be more successful in all areas of life.

In our professional lives, emotional intelligence can help us:

• Resolve conflicts 

• Coach and motivate others

• Create a culture of collaboration

• Build psychological safety within teams

• Limit and combat toxic workplace culture

At a personal level, emotional intelligence helps us:

• Have uncomfortable conversations without hurting feelings

• Manage our emotions when stressed or feeling overwhelmed

• Improve relationships with the people we care about

One of the primary ways you can test EI in yourself (or others) is to pay attention to how you REACT versus how you RESPOND.

When you react, you let others control you. When you respond, you are in control.

– Bohdi Sanders

Primary manifestations of reactions include defensiveness and raising your voice. I’m going to address defensiveness and some strategies to overcome it in this article and tackle yelling in part two of this series.

It’s easy to get defensive when you feel challenged, underestimated, belittled, demeaned, or even simply questioned. It’s a natural and instinctive reaction to criticism in almost all situations…especially toxic or abusive ones. 

It’s not your fault; you can blame your ancestors. Self-defense is a form of anti-predator adaptation, and it determines whether or not a species survives the process of natural selection. It’s truly an extraordinary thing. When we feel attacked (not only physically, but also verbally or emotionally) the human brain sends danger signals throughout our bodies. Thousands of years of natural selection have reinforced self-defense (the apes that didn’t defend themselves died; therefore, our genetic makeup comes from those who did defend themselves).

Self-defense is a mechanism for survival, yet it’s the enemy of effective communication.

So, why should you suppress an evolutionary instinct?

Because Stan from accounting isn’t actually trying to kill you when he criticizes you…neither is your loved one. 

Defensiveness is a natural reaction but it’s not the best. In fact, it falls squarely in the REACT (not RESPOND) category. Yes, we’ve learned it collectively over millions of years and personally over the past 40-or-so (but who’s counting?), so how can we unlearn it in order to develop better EI and become better, more persuasive communicators in both our personal and professional lives?

Nice of you to ask.

Here are 5 effective steps to work through to help combat the natural tendency to be defensive when dealing with criticism, feeling challenged, being questioned, and generally feeling attacked:

1. Look for the truth within the criticism. OUCH!  It’s helpful to remember that no one is perfect and, er, neither are you. Therefore, when someone criticizes you, there is something important he or she is trying to tell you. Even if they are 100% wrong, totally irrational and insane (could happen), you won’t get anywhere pointing that out. If there is NO kernel of truth in what they’re saying, let their criticism be more about THEM than it is about YOU.  What I mean by this is: if someone criticizes you for X and you know for a fact that X isn’t the issue, file this information away in your understanding of the other person – they have an issue with X and they’re automatically on the lookout for it.
   
   

2. Reach beyond the negativity and attempt to AVOID taking it personally. I addressed this in another recent article on how to stay authentic when dealing with difficult people, and it remains especially important when dealing with criticism. In a nutshell, this is the Jay-Z approach: go on, brush your shoulders off.
   
   

3. Validate the other person’s perception (even if you disagree). Everyone wants to feel heard. Think of being a child. How did it make you feel when adults told you to “just get over it” or that your feelings were wrong? When people feel dismissed, they are less likely to be responsive or receptive… which means, you won’t be winning any arguments with them any time soon, so ACKNOWLEDGE and VALIDATE - its critical.
   
   

4. Tell the other person what you agree with. After going through this silent redirection of your thinking, verbally take responsibility for your contribution to the problem. “You’re absolutely right about ____.” This serves multiple purposes. By repeating something the other person said, you let them know you were listening. And by agreeing with them on at least part of their complaint, you validate their feelings without judgment.
   
   

5. Bring up your difference of opinion last. This is hardly a suggestion to be a doormat and just take it passively! This is all about the order of events. After you’ve accepted some accountability or even simply validated the other person’s opinion by repeating it back to them, they will likely be more open to hearing and understanding your perception of events. Waiting to go last also gives you the opportunity to cool down and avoid that knee-jerk, defensive reaction.

We all need EI.  But, as leaders, IT IS CRUCIAL.

Leaders must be examples of how to behave, especially during times of turmoil and change. We need to prepare to present a calm, rational front. According to a study in The Journal of Social Psychology, when leaders have high emotional control, they are seen as more likable, ethical, and working in the interest of the organization.

To be in control of one’s emotions means maintaining personal composure during times of stress, when things are uncertain, or when faced with conflict or disagreement. This does not mean suppressing all emotions, but rather consciously choosing which emotions are appropriate in any given situation, and avoiding knee-jerk reactions like defensiveness and yelling.

Got a raised voice habit? (psssssst, I do too… takes one to know one!) Don’t miss next week!